Doubt

All too often I receive a visit from that pesky little demon called "doubt." If allowed to come in, it can seep through my pores and develop into self-sabotage, dismantling all my creativity.
Last week I was working on an artistic project for a client's wedding. She had used my work before and called again for an additional request. The request was a little outside my usual work and I began to doubt myself. Could I do what she requested? Yes, I could do it. Could I do it perfectly? No, I couldn't. Would she be happy with it? I didn't know. I wanted to make her happy and I doubted I could produce something that would meet her expectations. Doubt had seeped in and taken control of my psyche.

I began working on the project and I heard the voice of doubt telling me that it was not perfect and it would never be good enough. It told me that I wasn't good enough. I threw countless sheets of paper away, then in total frustrastion decided I needed to take a break. I refused to focus on it and started ironing instead. As I was ironing, something popped into my head, just out of the blue. I remembered seeing a show about "decluttering" your house. The host's advice when choosing what to keep or let go of, was that one should heed the mantra, "when in doubt, throw it out." Instantly, I knew this was not a random thought, but soul guidance speaking out to me. I was "in doubt" and I needed to "throw it out."
I sat right back down, released the doubt, and finished the project. Second guessing or self-sabotage was no longer allowed. I felt good about the work I produced and the client was happy too.

Undoubtedly, my pesky little visitor will return again and spew the trash talk. The next time "doubt" sashays into my psyche, I'm prepared to declutter my mind and just "throw it out."

It's Not You, It's Me

Many years ago I was working at a law firm and shared an office with another paralegal. Now I liked this woman just fine, in fact, I can still call her a friend today. The one thing that was bothersome about this arrangement was that this woman talked a lot. She also had a bit of a negative outlook on things. I knew things about her upbringing that gave me clarity into why she saw things as negatively as she did. Therefore, on most occasions I could ignore the negativity.
I did a lot of research at this firm and I liked it just fine, but what I really loved was writing Memorandums of Law. I never told anyone how much I did love it, so consequently, I didn't get assigned too many writing duties. One day, counsel from outside our office asked for assistance on research and writing a Memorandum of Law. Because all the attorneys were busy, it was given to me. This tickled me pink, because I loved the opportunity to write for submission to a judge. It's pretty straight forward, it requires the facts of the case, the law as it applies to the facts, your argument intermingled within and your conclusion.
I took this home and worked on it on my own time. I researched, wrote, edited and refined until I got down to a final draft. The next morning I went into work to finalize and present it to the attorney for his approval. While sitting at my desk, my co-worker came in and started talking. She talked and talked and talked. All I could think about was how I wanted to finish the Memorandum and do my best, but the talking was distracting me. I couldn't concentrate and in a moment of self-indulgence I picked up my papers and went to the senior partner and asked whether I could use a recently vacated office to do my work. He told me to go ahead. As I was sitting in there working, this partner walked in and said that if I wanted to make this my office I could because no one else would be using it. I finished the Memorandum and turned it in.

The next morning I officially moved my things into the new office. I had only told my co-worker that I was moving and didn't explain why. Later that day she came to my office and sat down. She had tears in her eyes and asked me why I moved away from her. I felt like such a jerk and I knew I had been one. Part of me wanted to tell her that while I liked her, she talked too much and her negativity was sucking the life out of me. But I knew her self-esteem was not at its highest point at the moment, and I didn't want to bring her to a new low. So I uttered the old break-up line... I said, "It's not you, it's me." Normally, I would say this is the coward's way out, but something happened as I said those words. As the words came out, I knew I was speaking the honest truth. It wasn't her, it was me. While she annoyed me at times, I learned that rejecting her and her ways was not the real issue. Thanks to her, I stated my newly discovered truth. I told her that while I loved working with people and being around others, when it came down to my individual work, I liked to work alone. I told her that is when I get the best results and I also liked time alone to process the day. Up until that moment, I hadn't totally appreciated that aboout myself. As far, as work was concerned, I required alone time and it had nothing to do with her. It was all about me.

From that moment on, when I inevitably encounter an annoying person, I look at what I need to learn about myself. After all, "it's not about them, it's about me."

Phoebe in Wonderland

As I was walking down the aisle in the video store, the cover of a DVD caught my eye. It was the movie "Phoebe in Wonderland" and it had a picture of a huge sunflower and a girl peeking through the petals. I'm not sure why it caught my eye, but I picked it up and read the back cover. It didn't offer much clarity on what the movie was about, so I decided to leave it on the shelf. After perusing the plethora of movies, something brought me back to "Phoebe in Wonderland." Because I've learned to act on my intuition, I rented the movie and took it home.


Once home, I sat down with my husband to watch it. About fifteen minutes into the movie, my husband and I looked at each other in disbelief. It became very clear to us early on that this movie was about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and Tourettes Syndrome. Both of us are intimately aware of these disorders because we have two children that have them. Normally, I don't share this with just anyone, because it involves my children and I prefer to keep it private. However, this movie touched me so much that I feel I need to share it because it may touch and help others going through the same thing.


Daniel Barnz is the writer and director of this brilliantly executed movie. It chronicles a young girl with OCD/Tourettes and her quiet, yet painful struggles, which are all too often misunderstood. The fluent depiction of the overwhelming affect that OCD/Tourettes has on Phoebe and her family is stunningly accurate.

What I loved the most about this movie is that while it shows Phoebe's battles, it also allows the viewer to recognize and value her unique talents. With the compassionate guidance of her Theater teacher, who has the ability to see and focus on Phoebe's gifts, Phoebe gains acceptance of herself and is allowed to shine.

The Purse

I'm not sure of the exact date it first started or even why it started, but every year or two my sister would send me a purse. After she sent me the first one, she called to let me know something was on its way. Her exact words escape me, but she said something like "I saw this... I thought it looked like you and I wanted you to have it."

My sister and I are different in many ways, but for some reason she has a knack for picking out the perfect purse for me. I was always delighted with each purse and grateful to her for giving me something which she had chosen especially for me. The icing on the cake were all the compliments I received when carrying one of these purses. With each compliment I said, "Thank you, my sister gave it to me." Most of the comments were, "Wow, you must have a nice sister?" To which I responded, "Yes, I do."

Early this spring I was feeling the need to get a new purse and started shopping for one. I shopped and shopped and just couldn't find the right one (or should I say, the one that fit my champagne taste, but Boones Farm budget). I thought about my sister and how she always picks just the right one out for me. I selfishly picked up the phone and called her. When she answered the phone, I said I had a mission for her, should she choose to accept it. She asked what that would be. I went on to tell her that I would like for her to pick out a purse for me. I told her that I wanted to pay for the purse and the shipping, but I wanted her to choose the purse because she had a talent for selecting the perfect one. To my surprise, she was delighted to take on the task to find just the right purse and send it my way.
A week later my sister called and said she had found the purse and was putting it in the mail. I could hear the excitement in her voice, she was so happy that I had selected her to choose a purse for me. She told me it was perfect and she knew it was the right one for me when she saw it. She said it was a designer purse and it was pink.
Now, I have never owned a pink purse in my entire life and I tend to dress on the conservative side, but I knew instantly that this was the perfect purse for me. The truth was it didn't matter, what the purse looked like, I trusted that she bought this with her heart and that is what made it perfect. I knew I would love it because she had carefully and thoughtfully chosen it just for me. In that moment, this gift became so much more than just a purse. It became a trust, a bond and an opening of my heart.
My sister went on to say how much it meant to her that I called her to pick out a purse for me (and I thought I was being selfish). She said she loved doing it and wanted me to promise to just wear it through the summer and then she would select another one for the fall. She also said that she would not take any money for it or the shipping because she wanted to do this for me. I had no idea that asking her to accept this request would bring her so much joy and such a feeling of validation. This purse had become so much more than just a purse, it had become a gift of love.
When the package came in the mail, I called my sister and opened it. It was the perfect purse!
I proudly wear this purse and everyday I carry a part of my sister with me. This purse is a representation of what matters to me and all that I cherish.
Just the other day, someone complimented me on my purse. I smiled and said, "Thank you, my sister gave it to me." It is truly one of the best gifts I have ever received.

Multi-tasking

I'm sitting at a traffic light waiting for it to change. I see a woman coming down the street talking on her cell phone and not paying attention to the road. My next thought is that she is going to have a wreck. As soon as I release this thought, she smacks into another car. Fortunately, no one was hurt. The culprit in this incident is multi-tasking. Had she pulled off the road and taken the phone call or told the person on the phone she would call back, this might not have happened. Multi-tasking had proven dangerous for this woman.
I've come to realize that multi-tasking has become detrimental to me as well. In a time when multi-tasking has become regarded as an attribute, I feel it has become a detriment for me. Job descriptions and requirements boldly state that multi-tasking is a beneficial quality and valued by employers. It has been my experience that the time has come to give value to doing one thing at a time. Giving full attention and care to a task as I'm performing it, garners much better results than my partial attention. It allows me to do my best and get satisfaction from a job well done. So many times I've witnessed co-workers and bosses make mistakes due to the fact that they were multi-tasking and not giving the task at hand their full attention.
As a wife and mother, I've multi-tasked for years and at times even boasted about it. I can cook dinner and clean at the same time. I can pay bills and watch the news. I can answer e-mails and talk on the phone. I can fold laundry and talk to my children at the same time. I can do two things at once, but I no longer choose to do so. The reason for this is that I do not like the results of giving my partial attention to something or someone that requires all of me. I no longer want to talk to someone on the phone and not give them my full attention. When I pays bills, I want to look over the statement and make sure there are not any mistakes that need to be addressed. When my children talk to me, I want to look into their eyes and listen to what they are saying. I want to be present and give my presence.
A few weeks ago I was at the orthodontist's office with my daughter and was given some forms to fill out. While I was filling out the forms, the office administrator was talking to me. I began to notice that I wasn't giving the forms or the office administrator my full attention. I looked at the administrator and said, "can you give me a minute because I can't write and talk at the same time?" She said, "you can't write and talk at the same time?" With a tinge of embarrassment, I said, "no, I can't." The truth is that I could write and talk at the same time, I just chose not to. This was a turning point for me. Since then, I have made the decision not value the act of multi-tasking anymore. I know this is a habit, but it is one that no longer serves me and those around me. Breaking it is my conscious choice and a decision I make each time I'm tempted to multi-task. Doing one thing at a time is a lost art and one which has lost it's value. I find value in doing one thing at a time and this is what works best for me.
I look forward to the day when job descriptions and requirements read, "multi-taskers need not apply." In the meantime, I'll do as John Mayer says, "I'll keep on waiting... waiting on the world to change."

Out of My Mind

When my son came home from playing golf, I asked him how he played? He said, "Not well, I play best when I don't think." I had to smile to myself, because I knew exactly what he meant. However, it took me much longer to learn this about myself than it has taken him.
I have the same experience of this when I'm drawing, painting or writing. It doesn't happen right away, but moves in over time. In the process of creating, I release my mind and something outside me takes over. I'm no longer thinking and this is where my best work is created. Creativity flows through me, but it doesn't come from thinking. It comes from being "out of my mind." It is what I call "bliss." I suppose it is much like what an athlete feels when he or she is "in the zone", or when a writer or musician hits their stride.
It brings to mind the movie, "Billy Elliot". Billy goes to London to audition for the ballet and someone from the panel asks him, "How do you feel when you dance?" His first response is "I don't know", but then his facial expression changes and he stops thinking; he begins to feel what he feels while dancing and you can see that something else has taken over. He stumbles to articulate it and then says. "it doesn't happen right away, but eventually, it feels like electricity running through me." He expresses it beautifully. It is something that cannot come from the mind, it is something outside of thinking that takes over and comes through you.
Eckhart Tolle says, that all creation happens outside of the mind. It is my experience that anything of true value and substance happens when I am out of my mind. Miracles happen and God takes over when my mind gets out of the way and surrenders to endless possibilities and my highest potential. I love the experience of being out of my mind.

Listen to Yourself

Three years ago my friend lost her husband at an early age. She was left to raise two teenage sons alone. In an instant, her whole life was dismantled. The foundation upon which she had based her life rapidly dissolved. Everything she had trusted in and relied upon was gone. There was no chance of turning back, the process of creating her new reality was her only option. The familiar no longer applied to her life, she had to navigate her way through uncharted territory.
She went through all the emotions one does when crisis is thrust upon us. She experienced shock, anger, depression and acceptance. I witnessed much of her journey and I watched as she turned her pain into suffering. This suffering was for a worthy cause, it was for her growth and development. More importantly, in her eyes, it was for her sons. She never lost sight of the fact that she had to move forward and not live in the past. She made many tough decisions and rode the wave of change that had blown into her life. She didn't wallow in self-pity, she simply accepted her new life with full cooperation. As she once told me, "I sometimes fake it until I can make it."
Just last year, I asked what she had learned from this. Without hesitation, she said, "I learned to listen to myself."
I cannot think of a better lesson in life, than to listen to yourself. She chose to be responsible for all of her choices and accepted the consequences. By listening to herself, she chose a responsible life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "a friend is one before whom I may think out loud."
Let me just say out loud, how proud I am of my friend and for all she has become. She has taken responsibility for her life and fulfilled her noble aspirations. She did all of this by listening to herself.
Have you learned to listen to yourself?

Bee's Birthday

Bee is my friend and neighbor. Her birthday is June 17th and she will be 91. Typically, when I mention Bee to someone who doesn't know her, they wonder why I hang around someone of that age. The answer is, because of how she makes me feel.
Bee is not your typical 91 year old. She has more vitality than an average 30 year old. She still cares for and maintains a two story Victorian home and does not require any outside help. While this is amazing in itself, this is not what I treasure most about her.
I love to spend time with her... my favorite thing, is when we go shopping together. She sees everything with a different set of eyes. She takes the common and makes it beautifully uncommon. She sees beauty where I may not have noticed, had she not pointed it out. She sees flaws and embraces them as if they were created for her to appreciate. She finds joy in the little things and joy finds her. Her enthusiasm is infectious and multiplies with each person she touches. She has a magical childlike quality and at the same time, the wisdom of an old soul. She lives in each moment and loves life.
When I look at her I don't see any age, I only see the beauty that radiates from her. When I'm with her, I always feel good. When I leave her, I always feel better than I did before I saw her. I treasure her friendship and the gift she is to me.
Happy Birthday Bee!!!

My Favorite Role

We all identify and define ourselves, to some degree, by roles we play in life. When thinking about the roles I have played in this lifetime, my favorite role without a doubt, is that of mother. I knew at an early age that part of my contract was to become a mother. When I say become a mother, I mean just that... I was not born with the innate ability to be a mother, I had to grow into that role. I didn't have children at an early age because I knew I had to learn who I was before I could possibly offer myself to the sacred responsibility of motherhood.
No one could have possibly prepared me for everything that motherhood had in store for me. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons it is my favorite role. It has been entirely, a live in the moment, trial and error, fly by the seat of my pants experience. There have been many difficulties, obstacles and sorrows to work through and overcome. Just when I thought I had something figured out, I realized I didn't know anything. I've had to start from scratch more times than I wish to count. But, I have to say, it has all been worth it.
Being a mother has stressed me in ways I had not thought possible (and I do mean that in the literal sense as well). It has allowed me to play mutiple roles, including doctor, nurse, psychologist, friend, student, teacher, tutor, creativity director, room mother, den mother, chauffeur, mentor and guide. It has never been dull and always challenging. It has brought me some of my biggest joys and greatest triumphs.
But, the greatest gift I have received has been my son and daugther. When they walk into a room, my eyes light up. They are people that I am proud to say, came through me. I've witnessed their journeys; and I'm amazed at the challenges they have gallantly tackled and the people they have become. I'm proud of the fact that they do not compromise their integrity and their self-esteem has been earned. I have learned so much from them. They are people I would be proud to work for, and with, and honored to call my friend. They are people I like to spend quality time with, and they are quality people.
If I could possibly take credit for even a minuscule part in influencing and guiding them to become the people they are today, then motherhood has been my greatest role. It is certainly my favorite role.
What is your greatest role in life?

Graduation Gift

I always cry at graduations and weddings. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm happy for the opportunities that lie ahead for those participating in the ceremony.
Just recently, my daughter came to me and asked, "If you had one piece of advice to give me, what would it be?" I told her that I would have numerous things to say, and she said, "No, just one." Without hesitation, I replied, "follow your passion."
For some reason I cannot get this question out of my mind, and I think this is because there was more I wanted to say. I would have told her to maintain self-respect and not to negotiate her integrity. I would have told her to listen to herself before she listens to anyone else. I would have told her to never ask for someone's permission to follow her dreams, and to always face her fears. I would have told her to love with all her heart, because the benefits would outweigh the pain of any suffering. I would have told her that there would be difficult times to endure, but to know she is never alone.
I then thought this would make a lovely graduation gift. A handwritten letter to the graduate sharing your own heartfelt advice. What one piece of advice would you give?
If I could only share one piece of advice, I'd have to make it a combination answer: Do not compromise your self-esteem and simply do what you love.

Sometimes we need to wait...

The current philosophy is that we need to live in the present moment and that waiting for the perfect moment is fruitless, because the perfect moment is now. If we truly live in the present moment we are sometimes guided to wait. Waiting contains a negative connotation, such as waiting in a doctor's office or waiting in line at the DMV. I believe there is a positive side to waiting, such as waiting for a flower to come into full bloom or waiting for the birth of a child. There is beauty and perfection in divine timing. There have been many times in my life when I knew something needed to be said, but if it were said to soon, it would fall on deaf ears. I knew I would have to wait and when the time was right, it would present itself. When the guidance I received was to wait, and I instinctively did so, the proper moment to speak up always presented itself. In a time of instant gratification and entitlement, we need to consider that waiting is not a passive state of being. Waiting is part of the process of creativity and maturation. What are you waiting for?